It's been a long time. I can't help but want to write some things out of my mind otherwise I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. To think I used to spend so much time creating this space and yet I forgot about it so easily for the past 7 months? Oh dearrrrrrr.

Sigh, anyway. I was wrong. Since the beginning of time, I have been wrong with all the decisions I've made. I don't want to be unhappy. All I ever wanted, or needed was to feel loved. I want to be loved.

My family couldn't give me that feeling. They have their own stuff to be busy with. They have their own life. My friends? They have their troubles to worry too.

So why can't I get mine? Isn't it about time already?

I've been wishing and dreaming that one day you'd enter the army and I'll be right out here waiting every friday night for your bookout. It's coming. Yeah. I was happy. But the thought of only being able to see you such short duration in the next 2 years killed me from inside out.

I will never get used to that. I don't want to.

You said you wanted your freedom. How about me?

I just find it super duper unfair. I don't know why that virtual seems more important to you than me. I'm alive. I'm by your side. Is that why I got taken for granted?

To you, I might be unreasonable. Depriving you from your fun since two years ago and now two years later, I'm still doing the same thing. It's not that I like to rack up the past. It's because they still haunts me.

So what if we sleep together every night? So what if we have a life to protect and take care of together? So what? I still couldn't feel your presence.

Perhaps you got bored. Because I'm boring. I'm always doing the same old things and expect you to do the same. I'm always trying to force my lifestyle into you. From your sleeping habits, to now your daily activities. But all I ever wanted, was to grow up with you.

How could you say I haven't?

I tried to accomodate to you but you failed me again and again.

If you feel that just living with me = putting in effort into the relationship, then you're wrong. That's not what I asked for. I want to spend quality time. Q U A L I T Y. Not just wasting time doing our own stuff in the same room.

Why do you think I go out with your friends when all you guys ever talk about is things I'm never interested in? Why do you think I want you to go out with my friends and do things you're never interested in?

We have nothing in common in the first place.

But shouldn't that be nurtured?

Right now, I'm trying to live the life you lived 1 year ago. I'm trying to understand what kind of fun you get from there. But I don't feel it at all. I went, because it's a place where I know you're be there to help me if I fall. Even that, you couldn't do it.

I understand.

Because I was never that important to you as I thought.

I thought I could make you give up anything. I thought I could make our relationship into something so invincible no one would doubt us. I thought so much.

I worked so hard to try to accomodate but all you do was giving me a cold shoulder and make me feel so useless infront of everybody. It's like.. I can never make you happy.

We were never happy with each other. I'm surprised we tried so such a long time so maybe now is really the time to let go. You asked for three months. But I couldn't accept it. You changed so quickly I was afraid I might never get you back three months later.

Now that I've grown up...

Everything might not be the same. Perhaps we'll see each other 2 years later. When you had enough of your fun and when you finally want to get serious, I'll still be right here, waiting for you.

But for now, we just have to be heartless and let it go.


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